I hate having anxiety

I cant brethe right nit. Im crying. Im scared. I know theres 99% that its a rumor its fake an not true. But theres always that one percent. And i hate it. I hte the fuckinga kids who think that shit is okay. Stop get a fucking life get your education an move the fuck on. Dont screw yourself over in a fucking gang . Thats so low and stupid. I hate it . Im scared not just for myself but for my love my friends seniors and school of innocent kids not knowing what is happening. Im scared. I dont wanna be at school but ill be strong and not think of it abd go. I hate crying i hate when peiple cant comfort me i hate when i get mad . I hate myself.

I miss myself.

I miss the days...
This is just something i could write about forever.
I was embarressed by my friends today. Not like super, but i just wanted to coversare with all. Not make dick jokes for an hour. They werent funny after or to me. And yes i was listening to youre convo i didnt have to be in it to be funny. God
Today was horrrible.
I want to cry.
I want to eat till i explode.
Until i have a heart attack.
I never ever want to break down infront of people i know ever again. Im embarrassed of myself, i feel like i embarrassed them.
I feel worthless.
I just want forget today.
My energy lvl died. I feel sick.
Im done here.



Happy two years and two months.

I dont want to be the way i am at school and yes its a state of mind. No i really cannot help it. I have a chemical inbalance, my nt's arent beingpaitent therefore its that. I dont feel that way so much. I try to bash it before it gets bad. I try. :(

That honestly sucks.
And ive been there.
But fuck off.
Tomorrow i swear. -.-

Im breaking down

I just wanna talk to you. Im crying. Im hurting. I just read that. & i see that its happening. I dont mean to be snappy. I dont mean to push you away. It was just not my day today. I feel sick and emotional . I hate it.

Im feeling content.

Finally making my own money. But its already going for car insurance snd my phone. Now my laptop :/ its hard to save just $1 with having to but your own shampoo etc. Food, teah i could and will be cutting that for goid unless its super fancy occasion ya know? But its all good ill be working more hrs itll be fine. Im good in my savings and my checkibgs as well , except fpr that one tine. Oh and cant forget gas -.- well thats allZ n

I fucking hate you all

You fucking self centered prick. Fucking have time for everyone else but gucking me. What the fuck is that. Dont fucking blamee going to school. Theres plenty of day when i get out. Ive got to see you fucking once. Are fucking kidding. Fuck it all. I cant tale this shit anymore. Im done. Im going to fucking drink all my damn problems away. Fuck you. Its fucking ridiculous. I cant even describe how made i am. Youre an asshole.

you couldnt answer me for 4 hours.

fine.

I feel a little bit better after venting to myself.

Much more relieved. Im going to do this more often, it often makes me think positivez the pros and cons. Although theres no pros. Its his life, whatever, im just an attachment.

Looks like the ride is over.

I cant .
Im not happy.

You're going to be the death of me.

why is that its okay for you to go waste your fucking money on a hookah, those are so fucking bad for you, no matter what. even if its tobacco  less. its makes me so fucking mad, that, you do this shit behind my fucking back. you dont fuckinf tell me anything. and you fucking get mad when I " do" this. I never fucking do this. so go fuck yourself. sometimes, i think we arent meant for each other. because seriously. all i see if fighting. because you do things behind my back. like this. why the fuck didnt you tell me. arent we not supposed to keep fucking secrets. what the fuck is this. and you know how i found out, thru fucking twitter. thru nate. because you try to keep everything fucking away from me. what the fuck is this.  why the fuck would you want to kill yourself faster. i just got over the fucking fact of smoking weed. because i finally got to be with you while. but it still makes me fucking aggravated. WHY THE FUCK DONT YOU TELL ME. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS. IM YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND, YOUR "BESTFRIEND" BUT NO. IF I WERE YOU WOULD TELL ME THIS. WHY THE FUCK DONT YOU, WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT. I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW .  Shit. you can be a fucking shady person i fucking swear. You said you had fuckign quit, you lying piece of fucking shit. you're fucking full of it.  im so fucking mad i cant even control anything. all i ask if for you to tell me. like you ask me. why the fuck dont you return that. because i fucking do. i fucking make myself available and flexible, i usually bend my fucking curfews for you. you do nothing in return. i understand that your fucking young. but im fucking concerned about you. i want you to live a long healthy life. im fucking worried about you. i fucking worry. now this. this is like me gettign my tattoos. if you do whatever the FUCK you feel like without telling me, then im gonna even acknowledge your fucking request, which is full of it too. this is my fucking body, not yours. if you dont like it i dont give a fuck. im so tired of always being the one, who does stuff for you. and then theres these times when i write these out, i fucking cry because im so bloody mad. and this time im not going to anyone. this is whoever fucking reads it. im so mad, that i fucking end up crying. these times where i over think. and i thinks its over. its done. were not meant to be. maybe we'll always be bestfriends. but its just not our match. theres times where i think theres that one perfect girl out there for you, because i know there is, and im just wasting your time, with my bullshit. but then i think opposites attract, and maybe we are meant to be, we do help each other, you've helped me a lot. becoming the person i am today, you were part of it. you made me think a whole new way. but you've also made other things that made me fall apart horrible. i dont know anymore. this relationship doesnt feel healthy anymore. you're too controlling. and thats part of your zodiac sign too. but maybe its just me. maybe i should get mad for these things. i just fucking wish you would tell me. is it really that fucking hard to tell me. i fucking tell you everything. im just slipping into this fucking depression, but music helps with that. i guess ill just keep my mouth shut. and just wait till i explode. im not fucking stupid. never underestimate a girl and her not finding out something. because we have the power to. 
Im just going to continue with my shitty ass day. and probably be on here alot more, that i have. im just going to to do me, and not acknowledge you. ill be me, you do you. im going on my own "break" i need another one. 

I feel as if i let my walls crash to the floor again

I let go so easily. I had set up all my interior walls, but you know how to gently remove them. Because youre so amazing, romantic, & caring. But now my walls are up again, and they are stronger. You scared the living soul inside me to the point ive never seen before. It took my breathe away, not a good way. My anxiety got out of control, my depression sky rocketed. But most of all my heart was wounded. I was hurting mentally and physically. But im glad we talked it out, gave reasons, & solutions. I did the decision . I took my own break. Didnt see you, just talked for a bit. & everything retured back to dandyness. A couple weeks later we had a wonderful might together, we finally slept with each other, like actual sleep. It made me feel secure & loved. The two things you give me everyday. I loved watching movies and tv with you. I wish we had more time to dpend with each other , days like this. It was a test to see uf we really could be. But then again i feel like i let myself go so fast. I was uncomfortable weeks before that, i felt that i needed to build my walls. But you know me too well, and you know how to treat a woman . You bade me fall in love with you more than before. You always can put a smilebon face no matter what. You make me laugh, you make me feel great about myself .i love you more than i can describe. You're my everything and my bestfriend. I can be my complete self with you, like nobody else has seen, & it makes me unbelievably happy. I see fireworks when we kiss, i still get butterflies before i see you anytime, just as i did in our first months together. Ive never felt this way before.
I could go on and on . I love you with everything ive got<3.
Its endless amount of thi gs i could say.
-Ashley :}

like i dont expect to be invited.

but its the thought that counts.
Well. I guess ill sleep.
I wish i was in LA with my cousin or SF with my sister..
Sigh.
I hate that shes not close by home anymore... Where i cant even visit her... :(


I'd like to go out with you more..
Just not like always, US time.
I mean I enjoy it , but sometimes, i just wanna chill and have fun with you too..
</3

I can't even describe the way i feel;

Friday night to saturday afternoon.
i will never forget. the night i actually got to sleep in your bed with you, to cuddle watching tv till i fell asleep first. having you hold me tight. just knowing you were next to me made me feel so safe., and warm inside/ like nothing could hurt me at all when im with you. that if one of us turned , the other would turn 5 seconds later. just spending the day and night with you was amazing. thank you for taking me out to lunch. That was really sweet of you. <3. this was a test of reality, to see if we really can survive the outside world of college. i mean you took care of your house, what you needed to do. we got up did what we had to do/. just seeing you makes everything so much better. you make my heart race like crazy. im always nervous and i get anxiety to see you, but once i see you everything melts in gooey love. lol. just the same way i did when i first met you and was with you. You make me smile so big, that it hurts. I really do care about you. you made me a better person, and still are each and eveyday./ :) I just want you to know that I Love You  with all ,my heart & soul.
If soulmates are real, which i think they are. I think you're mine. :}.
That's all. I really just wanted to say, i hope to have more days and nights like that. whether camping or at home. where ever. as long as we have fun, and are happy/ <3

holy fucking shit.

it's not let people can mind their own fucking business nowadays. like why the fuck . are you stupid.
i swear if it wasnt illegal to kill people id fucking do it.
like motherfucker. you dont fucking know my mom.
go fuck yourself . 
im fucking irritated as fuck.

See mom. this is why I never talk to you.

You say you want me to tell whats wrong. well i do and you go all negative on me. maybe thats why s when people tell me thats. i act the god damn same way. i asked for a weekend to myself. i should be able to drive where i want myself. thats not fair. i pay for my OWN insurance and gas. and i earned my license. and its not even useful if i cant drive anywhere because youre paranoid. and dont get mad at me because i want to drive somewhere. dont tell me to go look for a job, when you know god damn well that i am. dont tell me im hiding from getting one. dont tell me that youre gonna leave, because i wont tell you whats wrong. just because of that. dont tell me that im ready to be an adult, because you know damn well im not. i dont understand why you say i dont love you, just because i want to be alone to myself. or with friends and i cant. thats not okay. you need to let go, because i am growing up. but not that fast. dont tell me to already get married with a random dude from your bf's family. NEVER. you need to let me go and spend time with people my age because their the only ones that can help me. why do you do this to me. why. its not like im  drving to l.a. im going to the bowling alley. why is that so hard to let me do. im not going to ask people for rides, when i can clearly drive. you're crazy. i swear

is it really that hard to talk to me.

its been two fucking days and not even a hello.
but if i were to do that, you would get all butthurt.
how does this even work.
you're not treating me like i should be
and starting believe that this is true
"Once someone has you, they stop doing everything it took to get you".
you got to hangout all fucking day and night and sleep with another fucking girl thats your friend and mine too but STILL. thats not even okay, you dont even know how long ive been trying to do something like this. but of course you dont care. its all about you you you. 
I might as well fall off the face of the earth whiel im at it. 
because if i were gone, you wouldnt care, youd just conitue your life. 
and i know in these two past nights, you all talked about each other about other liek me and lucia. and dont lie i know we all do it. 
they're proobably like why are you with her and blah blah blah. sigh'
why couldnt you just answetr.
i'm tired of being treated like this.
im tired of being the second choice.
and i know i am,
:(
sigh.
school should be great now.
-__-
sigh, i had a pretty good break.
alot of good times.
and its always the last days something fucks up.
I hope you had fucking fun,
thanks for talking to me,.
its not like you told me to but whatever.
go suck my dick.
until then. im going to be putting up all these walls i had back up.
the walls you slowly took down & actually cared about.
I take love, relationships & sex seriously.
I try to make you the happiest I can.
But what's in return for me? 
</3

are you fucking kidding me

are you serious right now. youre being an immature motherfucking brat. youre not fucking cool trying to fucking fit in all the fucking time. so suck my motherfucking dick. and get lost. youre such an asshole now. but anyways. what the fuck. you couldnt fucking tell me hi until 11:30 at fuckign ngiht. youre fucking camping out again. are you fucking kidding me. i feel like im nothing. if you wouldve talk to me at least said hi. i wouldnt be fucking worrying. so fuck you. im so beyond mad right now. i accomudate to you. im so uncomfortable. everything is a disaster. i cnt breahte right now. im shaking im punhcing everything. like does it really take that much fucking effort to say hello to me. to respond. because liek if it was me not responding you would get all fucking butt hurt. but now. thats not the siutation. but whatever. im so upset. im not even excited about school anymore. i just dont even want to be near anybody at all.
its shit liek this where i close myself out from the world and become that stupid quiet depressed bitch. and i cant help it. because things liek this ruin my fucking life.
i was worried and mad all damn day. and now. all i got was hi.
thats great,.
greats things.

I dont know why

cigarettes. they bother me.
My friends smoking them. bothers me.
you.
not telling me either. like i had to find/ figure it out. Saddens me.
Its hard to move on, when i dont know anything. its even worse..
that i'm sure you were pressured. to be cool, to fit in, without you knowing it. thats how i feel.
just because shes your bestfriend even when i did get along, you didnt tell me. i found out in summer..



its sucks
why it bothers me so much, that you dont just admit it.
Because the SAME EXACT THING IS HAPPENING to my brothers.
both of their wives smoke without them knowing well... till now.
One of them already had cancer & shes still going at it.
The other.. it was a surprise.
Neither of my brothers knew.
Im sure they feel played and betrayed.
the only guy who's been honest about it, was my brother nate. & thats my sisters husband. he was legit about.

I just want to know, why its so hard to tell me things, i have to all the time. youre the 1st . and i feel as if im the end of the list to know or find out.
It sucks.
i cant do anything.
till then.

it never ends .

school.
home.
other.
always.



soon.
i wont exist.



cool.

She's right.

We all can't say SHIT.
She's know her since forever ago. But SHE HERSELF see's the changes..
It's not just because i dont like her.
I remember all the memories i had with her.
Memories DON'T CHANGE, people do.
But anyways. I'm being me. fuck the rest. this is how i am & if you dont like me at my worst, leave.
Like today.
what the hell..
why are you so interested in whats NOT your business. nosy much...
any who,
you got upset because i couldnt keep a conversation. well not being able to talk with you for like 2 weeks. its really hard to keep up with whats new? 
plus i was feeling shitty. so do not blame me for being boring. lulu was there too and amanda.  & i dont know if you noticed. but when im sitting & not talking, wheres sarah to talk to you? HUH? ALL THE WAY OVER THERE? oh im sorry,. It only seems that she LOVES to be talkative & around you when im up & wanting to talk to you, she knows thats the perfect oppurtunity to get me out. 




But that's cool. I'll test this out again monday.
:p
I cannot speak for the rest. Me & Nathan always invite lucia. Anthony is in his own world & Nathan can be too. But tis cool because there will always be team meatballs.
But do what you want, smoke, drink, whatever. because im the one who gets attack for ONE time over and over. and you know damn well you do it. fuck it though. |
honestly, as long as you're with nathan it makes me feel 100% better. Bestfriends, just way more comfortable.
anyone one else, i'll be defensive & concerned, just because i feel like they'll make you do something stupid or they'll take advantage of you.
Lucky you though, having a job, car, license and all that you can actually be free to do this. 
I'm not because i want to be drug free, and actually live with out getting some kind of health problem. not saying i wont though. but im not like every single weekend. no. like. its rare. im RARE. unlike you. 




& fuck. my tummy hurts.
my throat hurts. i feel sick, been sick for liek days now.






 I havent got to spend time with Anthony, but it's my fault. I'm not available till spring break..


But its worth it, ill have my license. and it'll be off my to do list. :)
lol, then i can drive to his house :) cooollll.
Blah..
looking back at old pictures, it hurts.
it sucks telling people your -how we met story- & then crashing down from all the exciting things you were saying into, i cant stand her anymore.... its terrible.. but well... life goes on.
:(


thats all.
Meatball out.

AGAIN.

it's like a never ending cycle.
people are pushing my buttons fucking left and right.
You're going to become bitter, & mean again.
Great, because i totally fell inlove with that.
fuck drugs. there stupid & they ruin my friends lifes.
at least it's with nathan. & not this stupid bitch, where she can take advantage of him.
whatever.
you're fucking all stupid.
gonna get lung cancer and shit, & then i have go through the pain with you, of dying and what not. NO.
I DONT WANT THAT FOR MY FRIENDS.
you dont even need it.
but whatever ruin life.
yeah i smoked. 5 times. in my whole life. im not trying to die.
-_-
fuckk your shit. seriously constantly doing shit.

why?

I'm crying without  reason. i dont know why.
i just keep saying i dont want to be here.
:(
I feel useless & dead inside all the time now.
Im not trying to make you change friends.
she needs to keep her hands to herself.
& why would you pick her over me?
& dont tell me you didnt. you know damn well you did. & you try to tell me its also because of your tournament. well you didnt tell me that 3 days ago. when i told you i was going thursday. why didnt you want to go with me? whats wrong about me. is it because ive been so upset lately.
well im trying not to be with all my strength . i just dont have anymore to push me forward.
i love you with all my heart, but i dont feel all this love i give to you returned from you. i feel like all your attention is going towards her now. and not me. i feel like nothing. im invisible whenever youre both talking. im just there. nothing. i dont say anything because it has no meaning anymore. why? why do you keep telling me the same thing/ I AM NOT TRYING TO MAKE YOU CHANGE FRIENDS FOR THE 1000000000th TIME. why dont you believe me anymore.
you dont compromise with me anymore.
its always me, i have to adjust to your plans. for everything. 
nobody bothers to care to think about me.
i feel liek nothing to you anymore, i dont see that special attention you used to give me, i dont even see you look at me the same way anymore, you never bother to plan anything anymore. its always sarah sarah sarah.
I shouldnt be crying right now. 
i was let down when you didnt even turn back as i was yelling your name to say goodbye, you just stormed off. i was asking lucia something real quick. but no that doesnt seem to matter. i just want to tell you that i love you & to have a good day tomorrow while im not there. which you probably will be I WONT BE THERE. i feel like you dont need me anymore, that im useless, and you dont want to be around me anymore. im sorry im upset all the time. its her fault. i was happy monday. when she wasnt there. i had a wonderful day. 
i just want to know in my heart & mind, that you're there for me, you want to be around me, that you love me, that your my bestfriend. that you actually CARE.


I feel like you keep using that same excuse for everything i do or say or anytime im upset you use it. i feel like you dont care that im upset. you keep using that excuse. and im not trying to. all these weekends you hangout with her.
i feel like you care more about her than me.
I'm mad on so many levels. She's at that line, that if she crosses it. it's over.
No word about it.
I'm sorry for even being alive. you'd be much happier with out me anyways.
All I want is to see you happy, be happy.
& if it's without me in the equation. Then ill get out.
i want to be happy & I am until something like this comes up.
who to go with & you go with her?
what the hell.
I wanted to go with you, so it could be like a date. i love doing that with you, so i can spend time with you , enjoying something great like a play.
& you chose to go with her.
why?
why is she so damn important.
I know shes your bestfriend. but she isn't a good friend if she's two faced. not to you because you cant see it. but others can.  just because she doesnt care if you argue & never apologize to her. and she doesnt care.
but if its me, & i apologize , i get all the hatred. I get no chance. i get nothing.
now how the fuck does that fucking work.
im sick and tired of always being the bad person because IM NOT. IM AQ FUCKING GOOD FRIEND & PERSON I TELL PEOPLE THE FUCKING TRUTH  I DONT FUCKING LET PEOPLE FIGURE OUT THAT I DONT LIKE THEM,. I DONT FUCKING FLIRT WITH OTHER PEOPLES FUCKING BOYFRIENDS.
THATS ANOTHER THING. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU FEEL IF I WAS ALL OVER KEVIN LIKE SHE IS TO YOU.
DEAR GOD, I NEVER WANT TO BE. BUT HOW WOULD YOU FUCKING LIKE IT.
OH THATS JUST HOW I AM.
THATS FUCKING BULLSHIT. SHES FUCKING CHANGED.
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. BUT IT OBVIOUSLY ISNT HERE.
SERIOUSLY TAKE A MINUTE TO THINK HOW I FEEL. I DONT THINK YOU EVER HAVE. YOU JUST FIX THE PROBLEM BUT DONT ACTUALLY THINK ABOUT HOW I FEEL.
I WISH YOU COULD UNDERSTAND.
 Why can't you see that im hurt, when im trying not be. I am a happy & wonderful person, but i cant with her.
You'll never see what a foul person she is because you are a push over, & you way to nice.
Just because her parents love you, means nothing,
just because you like her parents, means nothing.
because she's a terrible fucking person
I can't take this anymore.
I should just fucking die. everything would be solved in a instant.
I cant take this anymore.
bye.

I wonder if you're lying.

Like. Certain clues were there. But I didn't say anything and i'm not going to. If you are. Just be real & tell me.Yes, i'm going to be pissed the fuck off, but what does it matter, you've done it before.



Shit is happening that i didnt think would.
I seriously cannot wait till june 7( i think now is grad day.), 2013 @ 9am at my graduation ceremony, and then a couple hours later call me name. walk the stage, give hugs to people i want to  & a pictures of course, then say fuck you too all the fucking people i hate & then go party with my family, i dont want to be with any of my friends. Till that day.
I think illl pretty much be sour all the times. But who gives a fuck about ashley.
Lets just not tell her anything and expect me to already know. Or lets try to get under her skin, or lets lie to her, etc etc.
I'm pretty sure, i think my years at liberty would've been much better.

No. nevermind. I dont think so. well maybe. idk.
Well whateve
 nobodys going to give a fuck.
It;s a beautiful day & im going to run out my angerr.
with facebook gone. I have less stress already,
now at a 98% anger level. woo... ;p
my shoulder is like killing me, i think i torn my rotary cuff.... fuck.
and now. calling back to different places... for application status & insurance quotes.
Looks like progressive is the lowest for 6 months right now.
till then
everyone fuck off. seriously.

Franchi$e - Martians vs. Goblins (The Game ft. Tyler the Creator)

thats not even cool.

what the fuck..
ergggg.
oh hell. to fuck no.
i swear to god.
i swear to god.
i find out.
OH FUCK NO.
YOU BETTER NOT BE.
Its done.
mad.
upset.
theres not
fuck then. i swear to god. if youre starting that shit again. i will never talk to you again.

So I get a callback, right?

NOT Taco bell.
I nearly had a hear attack answering the phone.
But it was the other place i tried, where i got a flyer.
But it's to sell the chronicle.
And well..
You know how most of us are.
we say no.
And id have to go door to door.
And i really dont feel comfortable doing that.
:l
So we'll see.
Anyways,
I can't play soccer because my mom says what about if you get a call about a job?
then what.
Well THEN i'll leave the soccer team,
But till then i think she should let me play.
Thats not fair. :c
Sigh..

Now that I think about it.

I do hate being a teenager sometimes.
Like I just want to fucking cuddle, be with you, & have dashing time. & usually that's what happens :))
But then.
BOTH.
of our damn hormones, & then.
it's bad. D:
LOL.
We need to keep it under control..
Well. I do need too.
OH HAI.
That'll be something I give up for whatever its called. I forget.is it lent? i know it starts with l. D:
Only exception are kisses & cuddles. xoxoxo.
I think that will be good for us, & we can go on a picnic, that ive been trying to do for the longest time, & one day we can go to the beach all day  & maybe watch the sunset & then go home. :3
Little things like that make me happier than ever. Actually just seeing you or talking to whether via fb, IM, voxer anything.
Well. thats all for now.
Just needed to say that,.

that's irritating.

and disgusting. 

its never...

a picture of us.
sometimes i feel like you're ashamed to be seen with me.
Sigh. I hope you're not. Because, I'm not, no matter how dorky we look. or I look. I still want it to be seen...
Sorry, I guess it hurts.
It's always someone else, Our pictures never last longer than 3 days or less..
Oh well.
:c

its been a while since ive been on here.

Everything I've done, it past me. I went through my experiment phases with different things. Alcohol; that was terrible. Im good till im 21, I guess one of my stupid ass friends takes me out -_-. Smoking weed; this one. just fucking bothers me now. Literally there is nothing wrong with it. Its just fucking expensive, makes you lazy & do stupid things LIKE DRIVING. Ugh. & I guess, just because I never had a chance to actually see how you are for myself. It fucking worries me to death. Once in a blue fucking moon? Yeah, well that could be the time you dont know its laced, and shit. You do stupider things. I dont care if its once a year. Like it's going to bother me. I know your still young & shit. I thought you were done. I'm glad you told me, you were honest with me. But its like that safety trust I had for you. It just got thinner. It the fucking cool thing now. thats why.  You gave me examples of people who went negative & THAT'S THEM. Not you. You could have different plans from fucking god. It just makes me so fucking uneasy. the weed part may not be bad, but the WHOLE smoking part is. I think thats what worries. Ive just had so much to deal with smokers. it makes me the most depressed I could have ever been.  its just hard for me to see this happen to me. Im sorry im not the best girlfriend in the world. who has emotional problems through the roof. I feel like you're going to tell me this everytime you do something now. It makes me feel like there's a million things you're doing without telling me. Where's that boy I fell in love with? He's still there.   He's the one who cheered me up on a rant on happiness. & then brought me down with this. I'm so tired of crying. I think I'm in serious need to go back to my therapist. I just need to accept this. It's so hard to do. that little voice you told me about, is telling me other  things. I hope your promise that you won't change stays real with me. Only you can't see yourself change. That good I have music. It's making me feel so much better about this. It'll always hurt my heart deeply like it is now. But I hope that feeling dies down so I can be okay.  That hookah whole things came out of no where. & I hope you realize it's still tobacco right? it's just flavored. Great there's another thing you'll probably get hooked on. There only reason I brought this up is because I wanted to know more about it. It sounded interesting. You gave me a brief description and then moved on. I guess my point is. I won't be a smoker as I grow up. I do not wish to die, because of this bullshit. Well. I feel better. I guess. I hope to god. I never have to experience a situation like this ever again.  I feel like I had 100,000,000,000+ lbs on my chest, aiming for my heart. At this point of life, I honestly feel done with being a teenager. Izx've had my experiences, I'm done. That's the way I feel. Don't tell me otherwise. Alright I seem to feel better now. Oh dear. It's like ten minutes to 3pm. I've eaten nothing. & I'm not hungry still. fuck. something is wrong with me. Alright.
-Ashley 1/4/12;