I feel as if i let my walls crash to the floor again

I let go so easily. I had set up all my interior walls, but you know how to gently remove them. Because youre so amazing, romantic, & caring. But now my walls are up again, and they are stronger. You scared the living soul inside me to the point ive never seen before. It took my breathe away, not a good way. My anxiety got out of control, my depression sky rocketed. But most of all my heart was wounded. I was hurting mentally and physically. But im glad we talked it out, gave reasons, & solutions. I did the decision . I took my own break. Didnt see you, just talked for a bit. & everything retured back to dandyness. A couple weeks later we had a wonderful might together, we finally slept with each other, like actual sleep. It made me feel secure & loved. The two things you give me everyday. I loved watching movies and tv with you. I wish we had more time to dpend with each other , days like this. It was a test to see uf we really could be. But then again i feel like i let myself go so fast. I was uncomfortable weeks before that, i felt that i needed to build my walls. But you know me too well, and you know how to treat a woman . You bade me fall in love with you more than before. You always can put a smilebon face no matter what. You make me laugh, you make me feel great about myself .i love you more than i can describe. You're my everything and my bestfriend. I can be my complete self with you, like nobody else has seen, & it makes me unbelievably happy. I see fireworks when we kiss, i still get butterflies before i see you anytime, just as i did in our first months together. Ive never felt this way before.
I could go on and on . I love you with everything ive got<3.
Its endless amount of thi gs i could say.
-Ashley :}

like i dont expect to be invited.

but its the thought that counts.
Well. I guess ill sleep.
I wish i was in LA with my cousin or SF with my sister..
Sigh.
I hate that shes not close by home anymore... Where i cant even visit her... :(


I'd like to go out with you more..
Just not like always, US time.
I mean I enjoy it , but sometimes, i just wanna chill and have fun with you too..
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I can't even describe the way i feel;

Friday night to saturday afternoon.
i will never forget. the night i actually got to sleep in your bed with you, to cuddle watching tv till i fell asleep first. having you hold me tight. just knowing you were next to me made me feel so safe., and warm inside/ like nothing could hurt me at all when im with you. that if one of us turned , the other would turn 5 seconds later. just spending the day and night with you was amazing. thank you for taking me out to lunch. That was really sweet of you. <3. this was a test of reality, to see if we really can survive the outside world of college. i mean you took care of your house, what you needed to do. we got up did what we had to do/. just seeing you makes everything so much better. you make my heart race like crazy. im always nervous and i get anxiety to see you, but once i see you everything melts in gooey love. lol. just the same way i did when i first met you and was with you. You make me smile so big, that it hurts. I really do care about you. you made me a better person, and still are each and eveyday./ :) I just want you to know that I Love You  with all ,my heart & soul.
If soulmates are real, which i think they are. I think you're mine. :}.
That's all. I really just wanted to say, i hope to have more days and nights like that. whether camping or at home. where ever. as long as we have fun, and are happy/ <3

holy fucking shit.

it's not let people can mind their own fucking business nowadays. like why the fuck . are you stupid.
i swear if it wasnt illegal to kill people id fucking do it.
like motherfucker. you dont fucking know my mom.
go fuck yourself . 
im fucking irritated as fuck.

See mom. this is why I never talk to you.

You say you want me to tell whats wrong. well i do and you go all negative on me. maybe thats why s when people tell me thats. i act the god damn same way. i asked for a weekend to myself. i should be able to drive where i want myself. thats not fair. i pay for my OWN insurance and gas. and i earned my license. and its not even useful if i cant drive anywhere because youre paranoid. and dont get mad at me because i want to drive somewhere. dont tell me to go look for a job, when you know god damn well that i am. dont tell me im hiding from getting one. dont tell me that youre gonna leave, because i wont tell you whats wrong. just because of that. dont tell me that im ready to be an adult, because you know damn well im not. i dont understand why you say i dont love you, just because i want to be alone to myself. or with friends and i cant. thats not okay. you need to let go, because i am growing up. but not that fast. dont tell me to already get married with a random dude from your bf's family. NEVER. you need to let me go and spend time with people my age because their the only ones that can help me. why do you do this to me. why. its not like im  drving to l.a. im going to the bowling alley. why is that so hard to let me do. im not going to ask people for rides, when i can clearly drive. you're crazy. i swear

is it really that hard to talk to me.

its been two fucking days and not even a hello.
but if i were to do that, you would get all butthurt.
how does this even work.
you're not treating me like i should be
and starting believe that this is true
"Once someone has you, they stop doing everything it took to get you".
you got to hangout all fucking day and night and sleep with another fucking girl thats your friend and mine too but STILL. thats not even okay, you dont even know how long ive been trying to do something like this. but of course you dont care. its all about you you you. 
I might as well fall off the face of the earth whiel im at it. 
because if i were gone, you wouldnt care, youd just conitue your life. 
and i know in these two past nights, you all talked about each other about other liek me and lucia. and dont lie i know we all do it. 
they're proobably like why are you with her and blah blah blah. sigh'
why couldnt you just answetr.
i'm tired of being treated like this.
im tired of being the second choice.
and i know i am,
:(
sigh.
school should be great now.
-__-
sigh, i had a pretty good break.
alot of good times.
and its always the last days something fucks up.
I hope you had fucking fun,
thanks for talking to me,.
its not like you told me to but whatever.
go suck my dick.
until then. im going to be putting up all these walls i had back up.
the walls you slowly took down & actually cared about.
I take love, relationships & sex seriously.
I try to make you the happiest I can.
But what's in return for me? 
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