its been a while since ive been on here.

Everything I've done, it past me. I went through my experiment phases with different things. Alcohol; that was terrible. Im good till im 21, I guess one of my stupid ass friends takes me out -_-. Smoking weed; this one. just fucking bothers me now. Literally there is nothing wrong with it. Its just fucking expensive, makes you lazy & do stupid things LIKE DRIVING. Ugh. & I guess, just because I never had a chance to actually see how you are for myself. It fucking worries me to death. Once in a blue fucking moon? Yeah, well that could be the time you dont know its laced, and shit. You do stupider things. I dont care if its once a year. Like it's going to bother me. I know your still young & shit. I thought you were done. I'm glad you told me, you were honest with me. But its like that safety trust I had for you. It just got thinner. It the fucking cool thing now. thats why.  You gave me examples of people who went negative & THAT'S THEM. Not you. You could have different plans from fucking god. It just makes me so fucking uneasy. the weed part may not be bad, but the WHOLE smoking part is. I think thats what worries. Ive just had so much to deal with smokers. it makes me the most depressed I could have ever been.  its just hard for me to see this happen to me. Im sorry im not the best girlfriend in the world. who has emotional problems through the roof. I feel like you're going to tell me this everytime you do something now. It makes me feel like there's a million things you're doing without telling me. Where's that boy I fell in love with? He's still there.   He's the one who cheered me up on a rant on happiness. & then brought me down with this. I'm so tired of crying. I think I'm in serious need to go back to my therapist. I just need to accept this. It's so hard to do. that little voice you told me about, is telling me other  things. I hope your promise that you won't change stays real with me. Only you can't see yourself change. That good I have music. It's making me feel so much better about this. It'll always hurt my heart deeply like it is now. But I hope that feeling dies down so I can be okay.  That hookah whole things came out of no where. & I hope you realize it's still tobacco right? it's just flavored. Great there's another thing you'll probably get hooked on. There only reason I brought this up is because I wanted to know more about it. It sounded interesting. You gave me a brief description and then moved on. I guess my point is. I won't be a smoker as I grow up. I do not wish to die, because of this bullshit. Well. I feel better. I guess. I hope to god. I never have to experience a situation like this ever again.  I feel like I had 100,000,000,000+ lbs on my chest, aiming for my heart. At this point of life, I honestly feel done with being a teenager. Izx've had my experiences, I'm done. That's the way I feel. Don't tell me otherwise. Alright I seem to feel better now. Oh dear. It's like ten minutes to 3pm. I've eaten nothing. & I'm not hungry still. fuck. something is wrong with me. Alright.
-Ashley 1/4/12;