The Oakley Cypher 2011(LG, Keen Skillz, Francis, Razo, & Firas)

I dont want a break from you

i dont want one. i dont. i dont need it.
i just want to be myself. i dont want this, i cant stop crying. i dont want to go through this again. i dont want to. i just want to be happy. & i am happy around you, just seeing you. you re my life, my soul, my everything. i cant do that. i dont want a break. i just want to see you. My stress will be all gonem so i can help with yours. i know nana & naterz are trying to help and they are by listening/. but i cant i cant. ill die. i dont want that. i just want us to be happy. in general you to be happy. but i cant do this. i cant. i love you so much. just thinking about a break kills me inside. i cant. no. i cant. i just want to see you. and hug you and kiss you. i hope this is all just a bad nightmare, i can wake up. fine tomorrow. please god. dont do this to me. please.

At this rate, your making me fade away from you.Sh

I'm serious.
I hate to say it.
-Ashley.

why did i do that?

why?
i was so mad.
i didnt mean too.
Im scared
i dont want to lose you.
why did i do that.
im sorry. Im so sorry.
I didnt mean to lie to you.
I was just so mad.
I didnt mean to hurt you.
you're perfect to me,
I love you.
I dont know where my state of mind is anymore.
im depressed, im stressed.
i have so many problems to fix. but i keep making more.
my moods are uncontroallable.
i lied to both of you.
I used someones name
i hate myself more than ever.
im shaking im crying.
i dont know what to do with myself anymore.
I really do need help.
Im so sorry. I didnt want to do it. it just came out without a thought.
i dont know what to do to myself.
i just want to end my life.
like ive said before.
I want to see you happy, even if im not in the equation.
I know ive made miustakes before, but never this one.
EVER.
ive NEVER lied to you.
ever.
I dont know why now.
it will not happen ever again.
I cant breathe.
i want to end it all.
i want help.
i need help.
im so sorry,
i dont know why i tried to make it seem like everything was okay.
i dont know.
i miss you.
i love you.
You're the one that makes me forget everything when im with you.
The one who treats me with respect, love & care.
You're a REAL man.
& im just a horrible, little girl.
im sorry Anthony.
I just really need to help myself.
please just dont leave.
ill die.
i just want to be myself.
i cant.
i dont know

yeah,.

im pretty sure my grades are gonna go down now that im all ASDFGHJKL
FUCK.
there FANTASTIC though right now. ):

GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.

EVERYDAY I DEAL WITH YOU. YOU DONT LET ME DO THINGS BY MYSELF. YOU DONT LET ME SPEAK FOR MYSELF. I CANT FUCKING STAND IT. I WAS OFFERED THIS FUCKING JOB. AND IM GOING TO DO IT. DONT FUCKING RUSH ME INTO ANYTHING. I WILL DO IT. AND FUCKING NO. YOU ARENT GOING WITH ME. I FUCKING   HATE YOU I HOPE YOU LEAVE FUCKING FOREVER. WHY THE FUCK CANT YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE. AND LET ME DO WHAT I WANT. JUST BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO LOOK AT YOU NOW YOUR NOT TAKING ME TO MY OPEN HOUSE FOR COLLEGE WHICH I HAVE TO GO TO. YOU KNOW  WHAT NO. IM GOING TO GO ALONE. I DONT CARE. THERES BUS AND BART TO GET ME THERE. ILL BE FINE. THERES NO FUCKING WAY YOU CANT STOP ME. YOURE THE ONE WHO DIDNT FUCKING FINISH HIGH SCHOOL. YOU DONT HAVE A DIPLOMA SO DONT COMPARE YOURSELF TO ME. I WILL BE MORE AND MUCH MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN YOU EVER WERE. I WILL TREAT MY KIDS WITH RESPECT AND THE3Y WONT FUCKING LIVE THE HELL I WENT THRU WITH YOU. BECAUSE I WONT TAKE OUT MY BAD CHILDHOOD YOU GAVE ME ONTO THEM. IM GOING TO BE THE BEST PARENT AS POSSIBLE. SO FUCK YOU., I HATE YOUL. I HONESTLY DO. NOW TOMORROW IM GOING TO DO MY MOTHERFUCKING JOB AND IMA DO IT RIGHT. YOUR NOT GONNA STAY THERE . ILL KICK YOU OUT. YOU SAID I NEEDED MONEY TO GET INSURANCE AND A CAR. WELL IM DOING IT. NOT YOU WONT GET ANYTHING IF YOU STAY. BECAUSE ALL THAT MONEY TO GOES TO MY HARD WORK TOMORROW. OKAY. SO FUCK YOU. LEAVE ME THE FUC K ALONE. JUST BECAUSE I DONT WWANT TO TELL YOU MY FUCKING LIFE PROBLEMS BECAUSE YOULL JUST SAY ITS NOTHING. GO DRINK YOUR PILLS. WELL FUCK YOU. MAYBE I HAVE MORE PROBLEMS THAN YOU DID AS A TEEN. THATS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT. ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT YOUR MOTHER DIDNT CARE ABOUT YOU. ITS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT. FUCK THIS. IM DONE.

And i think to myself now.

that maybe. we really arent livable with each other. that the zodiac is totally right.
But my heart tells me otherwise. I love you, like ive never loved before. Those feeling you make me feel, noone else has before. &  i love it, to every extent.
But in other times. we just cant stand each other. we argue. and I dont like it. Im sorry for all that. I really am. I hate that you say that you dont care anymore. and it kills me.
and thats what the zodiac say about our signs not being compatible....
sigh. i dont know what to do anymore.and then times there is. I love you, & i want to be with you forever, no matter what it takes. I can work on my attitude n all. well thats all.
goodbye.
-ashley

Dont know where my life is heading towards

I dont even know what to do with my stress nymore. Its causing my hormoes togk out of bqlance which thwn leads me to missing my TOM. Which is. Not good because then that stresses me out to Nother level and its like the cycle never ends for me. Whether im deLing with my stress or someone elses. I don know whT to do with myself. I feel like a distractin and i know i am one. Im sorry. I dont meAn to do thT. Im working on trying to do my own life and not being in others. Im working on getting my license a d getting out peoples wY. So i dont hVe to be in people buisness or houses n shit. Im sorry. I really mean it. Its the truth im a distraction to people Nd their school life. I just mix in i know why pRents dont like me now. This kinda just makes me not want to go to homecoming. I really Am just not excited to be in anyones life right now. I hate my life. Like theres not a doubt in mind i wouldnt just die and be gone. I think id be better off that way or if werent here . I cant breathe right now. Sigh. Well i guess ill just lay here N overthink my life...
-Ashley

this is bullshit.

i hate last minute fucking deals. LIKE FUCK. I had said yes. & all this bullshit. Fuck everything. fuck EVERYTHING. I hate everyone. I just cant fucking deal with that bullshit. i had so much fun tonight till i got home then this. i hate when people do that to me. You can't why the hell did you say you go? & you cant laast minute. what the fuck is that? like yeah ill go to harvest fair with again tomorrow. But that doesnt mean I didnt want to go to her party. like fuck bro. UGH. kay im out. im irritated n shit. fuck you. bye.

I just want to leave forever.

I just have nothing to do with this world.
I can't make anybody happy.
I tried. i tried.
I want to try harder. but i just cant. I dont have anything in me anymore.
I dont want you to feel alone. I want to be there with you thru everything & anything.
I fuckign love you with all my fucking heart & soul.
I'm nothing without you.
i love you more than i can fucking explain.
I just want out of this world.
You'll find a better girlfriend than me in the future anyways.
i'm not worth a cent.
I love you.
Goodbye forever.


I hope someday, some beautiful girl will make you happier than I ever did.
Goodluck. Good life.
Bye,
-Ashley R. Alanis.

(Tuesday, September 13th, 2011. (9:10pm)

I just want you to be happy.

I just want you to be happy.
i just want you to be free or problems & have a happy life.
I'm not helping you, just being there, in the way. im just another problem.
I'm sorry.
I love you so much. I hate seeing you. this way. I hate seeing myself this way. I have being depressed. I hate how nate is being an ass to you. & you didnt even do anything. you both together need to talk things out.
& us. were just a weird couple. & yes we have our accidents. I'm okay. You didnt mean too. You have no idea how much i love you. & all i want to make you is happy. Whether i can, or if i can help you to be happy in life. Thats what i promised to do. I promised to love you, help you & be there for you when I can. & this is defiantley a time. :l I love you. I just want to see you happy. thats all.

goodbye
-ashtree

i swear to sweet jesus.

i hate everything right now.
I'm so sorry anthony. you know i always want to tell you everything & i would tell you everything that were saying later. but you dont remind me & i honestly forget. ): im so sorry. i love you so much. 7 i dont want to lose you. youre not clingy to me. becausew we both are in a way. i love your affection you show for me, the hugging kissing etc. i LOVE IT. it makes me happy usually. but these couple days have been so kdfjvik fvn for me and i dont know why? D: I hate it. i love how youre asking whats wrong & i cant explain it & i keep quiet & i dont want to. i want to explode and tell you everything. & youre such a great listener when i do.
Next. This stupid ass hoe eating all of the food. like fuck you, were not here to feed your twig ass. why dont you get a job & work to get money. yeah we all usually share. but thats always been between me, anthony, nate & lucia. you're out of my motherfucking picture forever. i literally FORCED. to hangout with you. & today your attitude irritated the fuck out of me. & yeah i know i have one to, but thats only when people are hell stupid like you. and the only reason you even want to hangout with us is because anthony got an xbox & a new game that your bitchass doesnt have. THATS IT. you dont even have the balls to get a gift delivered to your house. what a pussy move. idgaf what my parents would say. anyways. youre bitchass needs to learn manners & ask. idgaf about nate. because he always gets us food. always. WHERE ARE YOU? no. so i dont care if he does. he's a better motherfucking bestfriend than you ever were a friend. he actually helps me out with my problems n shit. And so does anthony & lucia.  You nothing, you need to stop being fake with all of us. & just go be with your friends. becuase youre not welcome with me.  dont try to bullshit me either i swear.  7 if the german status was about me. FUCK YOU. cant even say it in english.  & not just that. but grow some reall balls & and TAG me in it. dont be a bitch.  anyways i just had to rant.
 Anthony. I'm so sorry. I hate that all our plans get twisted, but its because its because im a flexible person .we both really need to start saying no... more often .I really would want to play crackdown with you & you only likfe you wanted us too. l; sigh. We will one day. i swear. if its the last thing i live to do.
Third; 
I hate how our group; nate, anthony lucia & me.(sra sometimes)all know that everyone is talking shit.
nate>anthony
take notcie that this is WHAT I HEARD.physically come from their mouths.
Nate>lucia
Nate>sarah
Me>Sarah
Anthony>Nate?
Sarah>Lucia
Lucia>sarah
>= about*



fuck everything, i just want to go to college already, i never want to see sarah again.
& ill make another post later.

i hate how you use people.

yeah you. thats all were good for you huh?
fuck. go with you 'freinds' im out.
alright.


well arent i fantastic..

i'm only lying to myself..

ugh.
okay day. didnt get sleep. im annoyed. world is like ending for me. i hate when im like this. im all happy at one moment & then deeply sad or mad the next. i have to be bi-polar........... this is fucking insane... i want to be happy & i know i am happy. i need to see a psychiatrist.... fuck me.. im crazy lets just put it that way................................................................................................................. i need you right now. i need a hug. blah....... *dying in my own peace*

im sorry

im not perfect. i make mistakes too. im sorry if i didnt get it right,. im sorry for everything wrong i do. im sorry i got high because my goddamn emotions took me over. thanks for listening to me, when i needed you the most. thanks for leaving. the 'effects' dont work on me. it just made me tired and sleepy. all those 'effects' its supposed to have, people fucking act them out. because they dont work on me.  maybe i was funny when talking to you. i dont know. dont think i assume things. i fucking know what i heard. so fuck it. its fucking old news. i dont care. i dont care. do what you fucking please. im not in control of you. damn. im sorry. IM SORRY. IM SORRY
bye,
A.

i hate when i ask you something a million times &

you dont give me a goddamn answeer  till the last minute & i get hurt. i get hurt okay. you cant do that to me. i need to know things before hand. i hate when that happends. i get all sad, & angry for if you didnt know. Thats why i smoked today. you fucking made me sad. shit happens. i hate this. i just need to go away, i hate my life. i want to go away forever

I want to cry.

I screw up everything that I love.
for stupid things. I fucking hate myself.
why? why cant i be normal....
why cant i keep my goddamn mouth shut.
now he wont talk to me. i want to just die. i just want to go home, no i just want to go away somewhere far away & never come back....
i hate this, take me now.

life is going downhill

fuck, i hate life. im pretty sure you specifically told me that sarah was going to tell me you smoke with her and that you were just warning me. and this wasnt too long ago either. but whatever. its thy past moving on to a new life. thanks & goodbye.
-ashley

Good Afternoon; Outplayed songs

Okay i have more;

okay another thing.
im not fucking afraid to beat a bitches ass in class. dont be talking shit about me during class like i cant hear you. yeah i know i look like a hardcore lesbian. & shit im proud of that. but if youre gonna say that, say it to my fucking face. & you know what. im fucking taken. so yeah. I do have my other half that LIKES ME FOR ME, Not just to get some. stupid ass hoes out there i swear. Fuck you & fuck youre stupid ass clone like ways, where you all dress the same, n shit. like cakeface n all. thinking youre hella cute when you act dumb,or where you think youre hella hard n youre mobin n your not,. well youre not. fuck. i swear, Youre face will be done with after me. Okay? I wish you could see this but you cant. ugh. alright. so yeah. Im ready to fuck a bitch up!. ;p
-ashley

not going to fucking lie bro.

i'm getting hella annoyed with my fucking  fucking 'friends' asking how big MY boyfriend is. Like for real? get your fucking own or if you have one already GO FUCK HIM OR BOTHER HIM. not mine. like for real get a life. its none of your motherfucking business, & im just sitting here tryna act like i dont give a fuck. but i fucking do. like stop asking. get your OWN fucking sex life & pay attention to them. DONT BE WORRYING ABOUT OURS. Like back off nigga. i know you all cant see this shit but. this is out to you. luna, sarah, yadira, sam, etc. FUCK OFF YOU STUPID ASS BITCHES.   Anyways, I know Anthony like doesnt care about telling them n shit. but i fucking do like. dont fucking tell the whole world. fuck. its all my goddamn fault. i couldnt keep my goddamn mouth shut. yeah. alright. bye.
-ashley.

blogger

you're being a bitch.
thats all about that.
Second. i hate being told im not good enough.
I hate people in general.
Yeah. I think thats what my problem is.
& third. I got a new bed....and im lonely in it....
sigh.. i hate it for now.
but other than that, this is all i have for you today.
Peace.
-ashtree.

Free V-Nasty...

well. my furniture isnt fucking here.
like for real? I emptied my whole room. like theres nothing in here..... I need to get my furniture like now....
fucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccck.
kay thats all.

I like how no one gives a fuck.

i have like excited, or caring news. and like not a single fuck was given. thats cool. alright thats all i have.
-ashley

fuck bro

I hate when  i get sick out of nowhere... like what the hell. okay so yesterday night i got hella fucking sick to the point where i threw up. D: it was a horrible night . i kept getting hella cold n shit. and this would all happen before my birthday, you know. But i feel better today. everything is sore and weak & my head feels like its going to fucking fall off or some shit. but yeah. & now im hungry, but im afraid if i eat, ill throw up again. Anyways. I hope im at leat 50% BETTER . so i can go to the movies. Im really looking forward to watching winnie the pooh. :)
okay tis all.
-ashtree.

I was right

i cant live one day where i dont get mad. today was super fun :] we played monopoly, i burned my fingers with egyptian cheese, it was funny, ate, then chilled.Swam & caught flies with spoons.  till the end. where we re-swam. My top was being retarded. So when Anthony got up from me taking him around the pool, he accidently pull it up & well i flashed everyone for a sec. its okay. its not old people. they all look the same blah blah blah. but still thats embarrassing. so i just tried to stay away from hat happening. & then i went back. & he lifted me up into the air & then i fell forward & he wouldn't let go so Im was drowning for real. & lucia & him thought it was funny as hell. which i guess was. but i seriously couldnt breathe. anyways i got upset so i just stayed alone on the other side of the pool to try to just forget it. & i couldnt. & he kept apologizing & i just couldnt say anything. & im just like its okay :). but blah. Im not mad. Im just annoyed. and they kept laughing. but whatever. its something ill let go tonight, for sure. & i just know it'll comne up in the future. sigh. well thats all i have for today. till tomorrow or whenever. goodbye.
-ashtree.

i have stuff to do tomorrow

Sleep. Now. till i have something to spill in like a couple hours. peace.
-ashtree.

How to love...

This suddenly doesn't make me feel any better...

what I need:
- A job
- my bank account to get my fucking hello kitty card to me.
-A JOB.
-My license....
-stuff for school
- & my stupid birthday to just come & go like usual..
Fun.
-ashtree.

life in general.

Life in general right now is a roller coaster for me. I don't whether to be happy, sad,mad, or anything anymore. i can't just have one day where i can be all happy without some sort of drama. sigh well here I go.
My best friend since 7th grade hates me, she doesn't like the way I am or how i act towards her. but she knows I love her to death. I don't know why she has to bring up old news with my boyfriend. Now my bf on the other side is defending me like he wants to. But they get into the biggest fucking arguments which is ridiculous. Last night they both made me cry. i haven't cried since two weeks ago. I don't know why they just cant stop & be like whatever. Its not even worth fight over. I'm not worth fighting over. I'm just here. I love my boyfriend but i love my best-friend too. but ever since shes been acting this way she'll never be first. she'll always be second to me. Honestly I put Anthony over anyone. he's like my best-friend I can just talk to. but so is nana. but it doesn't matter shes treated me like shit for a long time, but i love her. she amazing person to hangout with & have fun with. i cant take it sometimes. i take a lot of her shit, i deal with her boy issues, even her trying to commit suicide. :l And on the other hand Anthony. he is just amazing all around. but when arguments  like this happen. it kills me inside just to watch them fight. i hate it. -_-  thats about all i have for him. Now my other friend sarah. I dont even know what to say to her.  I dont understand why she couldnt just tell him. its not that hard. Its sad.  it kinda makes her look bad to me. i dont like people who cant just say things to your face.. next problem. my household. i get blamed for every fucking thing in this goddamn house. its not fair. there's two other people living here too, go bitch to them. i do my chores everyday when im home & i do more. Like for example yesterday. my mom go mad at my bro for taking a long shower. so she vented to me about the water bills & what not.  & i was liek okay. tell denisse. & she couldn't. So i told her. She then told nate. & he apologized about it. but on the way home before that. i snapped at my mother about her bitching about nate. i couldnt take it anymore. i was so annoyed. im  like why the hell dont you just say something. & then when we got home. i told denisse shes getting me all stressed out about her problems & that moms making me part of everything. ugh. & no i just cant  do that. As if im not stressed about everything around me enough. Another thing. school is about to start up again. i have no way of getting home, & this just sucks. all because i cant get my license yet till probably around Christmas. but whatever. & also i need a fucking job already. i need to buy all my stuff. pay two people back $5. & save up to get the hell out of here. & lastly. i cant decide my stupid career. beauty/cosmetology or culinary arts field... sigh. im stressed. Im mad. Im depressed. Im confused. I haven't been happy in these last 3 days. The only time I am. Is when i'm with Anthony. Or with my friends like Naterz & Lucia. Blah. life. teens. suck. I have to pee now. so. yeah.
-ashtree.